Poem

I wrote this as an introductory poem in my new collection of poetry. I wrote it months ago. Before I felt a need for hiatus. Before I got so tired. Before I was more in pieces than together.

I’m proud of myself for writing it. I have to work on this – feeling good about myself. The words.

I’m working every day. Some days, deeper and more fully than others. But I’m dealing with it.

I do feel…scattered. I’m still very much in the land of I Don’t Know. But I know it’s okay to be here for as long as it takes.

Things change. I’m open arms for these changes.

*************

So let’s start here

*she rests her hand on her upper chest*
you should know what’s inside me before you read the rest of this
you should know who I am in case the poems don’t give you enough
you should know that I want you to love me
like weak-in-your-knees-make-you–sob-make-you-laugh-change-something-in-you
that type of love me
like soulmate or life partner or whatever you call it
that kind of love me
because inside I have so much love to give
it bursts out of me like pomegranate seeds slippery moist crunchy beautiful
I want you to feel my love so that I can feel yours
Yes I care about what you think of me
I care about how these words make you feel
These words are me

Maybe that’s the wrong way to write poetry
Maybe it’s not healthy
Maybe, you think, I need to deal with my shit

You’re right
All of you

But I can’t stop
The words won’t let me
I am the heat in the sun
At the centre of the light
I am

I feel different all the time
Like, I’m my piece and the missing one too
But we can’t connect
Like, I don’t fit in – even
Into my self

Except, let me tell you
Except when I’m writing
That’s important to know, okay?

This is me
*she’s banging her chest now*
You’re reading this
You’re holding me
Caressing me with your eyes
Undressing me with your page turning
Penetrating me with your judgments
I want it this way
I need it this way
And I want to thank you
For being here
For picking me up
For stretching me open

I am more alive when you’re reading me

I feel less afraid to be me
But I’m still afraid, oh yes
Still afraid you’ll hate it all

You can keep telling yourself
‘You’re not the words, Vanessa’
Don’t take it so personally
I will reject this

I will repeat:
I am the words
This is me
It is personal

*she drops her hand to her side
slowly backs away
waits*