The Swoop, The Flayer, The Light

And just like that, It swoops in.

This…Otherness….This Disconnector.

I was having a great day. Spent much of the morning in head-back hysterics, writing with ease, crossing things off the To-Do list like a master.

Then…around 1pm…Its entry – chest-hit…oozes into me like the Mind Flayer (Shadow Monster) in Stranger Things (I’m rewatching the show…in season three now. It’s sooo good!)

This…energy feels like a whole new layer inside me, and it adds a filter to everything I think or do. It makes ‘work’ seem unbearable, too much, too big, too hard. Impossible. It makes writing silly, frivolous, a waste of time. It makes mothering a burden, a chore, an annoyance. None of these filters are ‘me’. The dishes, piled high in the kitchen, laugh at me. I don’t dare look down for my stomach is there to mock me.

This is hormonal. I know it because I can feel it. Maybe it’s not something external, but the trickery of the hormones makes it seem that way. It is the flush of change in my internal landscape that feels like an unwanted visitor, but really it’s always inside me, waiting to pull back the curtain surrounding it…a veritable ‘here’s johnny’ monthly eruption.

That’s ‘me’ in the background…in the background of my ‘self’, screaming in terror, my knife a flimsy, useless tool. The ax is in, baby! Heeeeeere’s Hormones! It’s not so violent…or maybe it is. This…re-awakening of the Shadow Hormones that come like an ax through a wooden bathroom door. I can feel my clothes, the material on my skin like it’s a foreign object. My bra straps feel like metal, squeezing around my rib cage. Soon the sides of my breasts will swell and it will feel like milk is charging in….like I have a child to feed.

And maybe I do. The little girls in me…oof. These metaphors read out of context could cause some grief…but it’s okay. I’m trying to be open and honest about this experience.

Because….it’s so affect-ive. It changes my experience of time and space and body and mind. Soon, all I will crave are carbs and sugar. My mind will, indeed, flay into a plethora of Shadow Songs urging to me slack, laze, stew, worry, jealous and sleep. It will take a Gathering of Light to get me to Do Anything.

So how do I do that? What is the Light?

My kids. My husband. Our dogs. A small amount of carbs and sugar. Water. A brisk walk. Thirty minutes of Yin Yoga with Kassandra. Watching a film or show that pulls my Parts into one focused story. The papa and poppies in the garden.

Tomorrow Oscar has to have surgery for lumpectomy and teeth cleaning. I’m scared. The Shadow Songs are singing scary scores around my guts and heart. I’m deep breathing to stay calm. He needs me to stay calm. He should be totally fine after steady recovery which I will be making sure he has…

This Flayer expands life happenings into Big Feelings. Jett is graduating one week from tomorrow. This morning, I was purely excited about this fact, and thinking about what dress to wear to the ceremony, how much tissue to pack in my purse. Now? It’s like Joy is trapped in a jail cell…and there is nothing but worry and sadness and loss swirling around my heart.

It is wild. I am…whirlwinded. Stormed. Flayed and Light-chasing.