This Is Why

Sometimes life becomes a world within a world.

Someone you love becomes ill and she becomes the centre of your world more powerful than the sun.

It feels as though you are ‘you’ but you are also ‘the you who wants to be with the one you love’.

You are ‘you’ but you are also worried, frustrated, hopeful, exhausted, helpful, weak, terrified, fumbling, floating…and so deeply sad. Sadder than you knew you could be.

You say things that surprise you – positive and negative.

You do things that surprise you – that are motivated by a love so unconditional you become a superhero.

But with it comes the villain – equal in power. This part of you wants to throw the car your superhero self has lifted off the one you love – throw it hard at someone. Fuelled by blame and disbelief and frustration and the sickening reality that you are not in control. You can’t be. You never were.

Sometimes life lessons come at you like a barrage of slaps to the face, and the only way to learn is to learn what NOT to do.

Family – its definition as a ‘lived’ experience and series of choices becomes the magnet that keeps you to the one you love.

All else floats around you like petals from a cherry-blossom tree on a windy day.

It is always a windy day.

This is where I am.

This is why I am postponing events.

This is why I’m apologizing for the cancelations.

I want and need to be with my family. With my Nonna. The bright sunshine of my life.

I can feel Death’s robe tickling my calves. She is close and I want to keep her away for as long as I peacefully can.

I’m not afraid of Death or the reaping she is moving toward. But rather…the storms that brew and burst around her as we all fight to accept the ‘letting go’ of a sun. Of the brightest, funniest, strongest, smartest, kindest most loving star that has been our world centre for close to ninety years.

It feels…bizarre to be here. Writing this. To heed the pull in my chest to explain ‘why’ I am not the ‘me’ I typically am.

What I hope is that in your receiving of this…you are moved by love to embrace your self, your family – in whatever definition you create, and who and what you love because you are able and willing to do so.

I’ll be here.

Posting when I can.

But I will also be there. With her. With family. Navigating between the worlds and my ‘selves’. Talking with Death in sweet whispers so she is peaceful and kind when the spirit meant to be freed…receives her wings.

Peace.