*NOTE: There are bad words in this blog post. Parental Guidance is advised.*
Today I wrote a whopping 158 words.
I’ve been getting up early. Hours before the sun. I’ve been losing sleep worrying about getting up early. And that’s okay. Getting up, what I worried would be the hardest part, is turning out to not be so challenging. It’s the *ahem*…writing.
I’m doing so many writing-related things in my life – for my job, for my self – that is OUTSIDE of working on my novel that when I sit down to work on my novel, I’m TOTALLY. FREAKING.OUT.
On Tuesday I wrote a prologue, which I’m pretty sure will turn into my first chapter. I’ve written in, given it to my editor. We’ve edited it once. We’ve talked about it and nurtured it. And then today when I went back to my story…I was like, *CURSOR*CURSOR*
I CURSE YOU CURSOR!
I’m scared to write.
And my characters are quiet. Waiting. Not excitedly leading me.
Why characters, why?!!
But I know why. GRRRRRR.
It’s because I have to make decisions. BIG. DECISIONS. For plot and structure and character development – but mostly plot and structure. And I’m not sure what decisions to make so I’m freaking out and panicking and THIS. IS. THE. PROCESS.
I won’t be blocked. I don’t believe in writer’s block.
So what do I do?
I grab my towel.
And I DON’T PANIC.
And I work on some poetry. Then I go to sleep. Then I wake up early tomorrow morning and I get back to it.
I welcome the cursor even as I curse at it.
Yesterday I watched a live Q&A with Markus Zusak on Goodreads. It was pretty freaking amazing. Zusak wrote one of my favourite books, The Book Thief. He spoke about writing in general, and he said a lot of great things.
What I noted were these things:
…imagination comes in solving problems…
…the story comes with the voice you hear in your head when you’re sitting at your desk…
…don’t be too tough on yourself – all the time…
…are your intentions true? I had to do what the book needed me to do…
Today, when I sat at my desk (dining room table) to write, there wasn’t a voice in my head – at least not one that belonged to my characters or to my story. And the thing is, right now I’ve got some massive problems to solve so I’m needing some pretty serious imagination power. In order to keep my intentions true – for the story and the life of the characters, I need to hear the voices. And I need to trust that the voices will help me solve the problems..and the imagination will ooze out of me…from that place that only opens when the oozing’s right and ready.
Today, I was very hard on myself. So hard that I pushed the voices I needed right out of my mind….right out of the process. And I got less than smidge. 158 words worth of smidge.
This post has over 500 words. And the voices are here and strong and speaking through my finger tips.
Maybe it was more important that I wrote this post.
I have to be true to the story. And my intentions, I have to keep them strong. I intend to clear my mind so the voices can rush in. But not tonight. It’s not that I don’t wanna. I’ve already used that one up. It’s that…today it just wasn’t. It just wasn’t.
And that’s okay.