*This post is Rated SV – for swearing and vulnerability*
I’ve been writing this post in my head for weeks now. Finally sitting down and whipping out my balls so I can write it – type it – out of me.
2014 was a year I can’t label as any one word. But some words do come to mind when I think about having to choose:
hard, crazy, amazing, challenging, super-fast, incredible, scary
I really felt Time a lot last year. Like, I could literally feel it tugging at my skin and bones without any regard to my feelings about it. Especially the last three months. October through December went by so quickly I can only remember all the things that happened by referring back into my day planner.
There are important things that I didn’t finish in 2014. There are patterns (about myself) I realized through writing in the pages of my Christmas-gift journal all through the holidays and into January. And as people posted Happy New Year blogs and offered their Best and Worst lists of 2014 – I scoffed and sulked away. I just couldn’t face the ‘new’ year as ‘new’. It didn’t feel new. It felt like just another tug. That’s not to discredit it, but I think part of my scoffing was due to my own ‘unfinished business’.
Here are some things that are unfinished from 2014 that I’m embarrassed about yet, I need to face them. And if you’ve got some unfinished business from 2014 – know that you are not alone.
1) Chris Hadfield Interview – I blogged like a star-crazed teenager about my telephone interview with Hadfield…and teased you with the news of my getting to interview him face-to-face…and I never posted the interview after I had it. The recording is sitting on my desktop patiently waiting for me to transcribe it. I worked on it over the holidays…only to hit save and LOSE EVERYTHING. I feel mad at myself for not writing the post in a word doc first. And I feel like, WTF Vanessa – why isn’t this interview done yet? I mean, it was such an inspiring and important interview. Why didn’t I just make the time and get it done? Do you think he noticed that I didn’t post the interview? Does that matter? Sigh. I will get it done. I don’t have a reason as to why it’s not done except that I just haven’t truly made the time to finish it. And I do care about it – very much.
2) Class – There’s a class I’m teaching online. I owe a student her assignment – my notes and the next assignment. I thought I’d have time to do it over the holidays…but I did not.
3) Another class – I was taking an on-line class. I stopped it – or put it on hold – in May. It was just too much. I was writing a novel for the class, and I couldn’t keep up on the assignments. So I asked for a ‘pause’. It was granted. But the book and the class is hanging over me…it’s a crow cawwing at me.
4) A Conversation with An Apology – I need to have a really scary, really important conversation. I need to apologize. I need to forgive.
5) Definitely Not The Opera & The Next Chapter – Two CBC radio shows I dream of getting on. I haven’t sent a package yet. I don’t know what stops me. Fear? Of what? More rejection? How hard it (sometimes) is to get on a radio show? I think what is happening with Jian Ghomeshi shocked us all – no matter what we believe. But I worked hard to get on Q – with or without him as the host, and in the end, I didn’t get on. I know I should try again. I will. Certainly, getting on a CBC radio show would be a dream come true for me. I can’t give up.
6) Grants – Applying for grants is something I’ve been doing for years and I know I will continue to do. But it means a lot of rejection and a lot of not getting money for my writing. Responses to the 20 Writers’ Reserve grants I sent out continue to trickle in. So far I’m 100% not-recommended for a grant. I’m due to hear from the Canada Council this month about a BIG grant I applied for. Sometimes the waiting is painful. Sometimes I run to the mailbox like it’s a Willie Wonka chocolate bar and there might be a golden ticket inside. When there’s nothing but McDonald’s coupons…well, I get a little sad. But I try not to let it get me down. I applied for these grants at the end of 2014. The waiting carries over.
7) Negative Self-Talk Especially About My Body – this is one thing that has carried over from last year (and the year before and the year before, etc.). Gah. I’m working on it, but some days it’s really, really hard for me to not listen the Demon Bitch in my head. I think I looked at too many People magazines and looked at too many bodies…and compared them to me…It can put me in a spin. A spin to the sugar bin and that makes everything worse. I’m pretty sure I’m addicted to sugar. Couple this addiction with a nasty broad in my head scolding and judging me for eating – well, you can see how some days are little world wars in my head. But…I’m working on silencing her. The Demon Bitch.
We all have unfinished business. I know this. I think that it’s inevitable what with the speed at which we communicate and expect our selves to learn and respond to the world and people around us.
I fantasize about living on a farm in a house with a wrap-around porch. We grow our own vegetables, feed our own cows and horses and chickens. We don’t have to leave our plot of land for anything. We have books and a telephone. And movies. And a computer too..but we’re family-sufficient. I can feel the morning sun on my eyelashes and I can smell the ripe manure on my nose hairs. This fantasy is made up of my favourite films, characters, foods, sounds and people.
And so 2015 is here and moving quickly. It’s February already. *She shakes her head*
I’m binge-watching Girls and reading memoirs like they’re medicine. I’m a bit floaty…a bit beside my self. Maybe it’s because parts of me are still in 2014.