I feel like a hot mess.
I mean, if I step outside for more than four minutes, I actually am a hot mess. (#boobsweat/#thighjuice/#yupijusthashtaggedthat)
I’m feeling like a hot mess inside though. Like, in the deeps.
I think this always happens to me when summer vacation for the kids actually starts. It’s like, I worry about it during June…but I’m distracted by planning things like camps and day trips and work. I’m pretty sure I mentioned that the kids and I sat down and did a day-by-day schedule for July based on what we all hoped to individually achieve/do this summer. It felt good at the time. It felt organized, structured, possible.
But, we’re nearing the end of the first week (only the first week!) and it’s not turning out how I expected it to.
I’m feeling some serious mom guilt for wanting to going to my beautiful new office and well, work. The kids have come with me, and though we’ve brought all kinds of things to do, they still seem to need me to help them figure out what to do next. Despite my suggestions to go have their ‘stand by me-esque’ adventures in the park…it’s not really happening. Plus, I still feel responsible for feeding them…and then cleaning up after meals…and then there are the dogs who are at home alone…and Pages is still in her crate…and she has a cone of shame on because she got a boo-boo on her cheek that we have to protect from her itching paw. And, of course, I have to feed the kids! And myself! And keep us hydrated…and oh, who’s got a dentist appointment? And what phone number do I have to find?….
I want to sit down at my desk and write or dream or plan or heck, read…but I’m distracted. One-thousand percent distracted. Inside, there’s a demogorgon (#strangerthings3) of guilt, worry, frustration and…well, more guilt.
It’s messy inside my head and heart…
It’s messy trying to pull the strings that bring me joy as a writer and as a mother/wife/friend. It’s all a Griswold-sized tangle of heart strings inside.
Plus…here’s some deep honesty…I read a post by a gal who owns a spectacular writing company with a community of writers that is flourishing…and she just shared their fall classes and workshops…and my comparison monster gurgled up from a sweaty slumber and snarled at me: see, that’s how it’s done. what the heck are you doing? get to work on your fall session, so-called business owner.
I keep hearing the word balance certainly NOT balancing nicely in my brain.
As in – I need to figure out a balance between the roles: mother and writer.
There was a frustrating moment between Jett and I yesterday when we were at Gertrude’s…and I told him he has to respect that this is my work – my job. My DREAM job. His big eyes looked at me and he said, “I know, mom. It’s just hard. I’m not used to it.”
I get it.
I feel it too.
I’m not used to putting ‘work’ before the kids during summer vacation. I’m not used to wanting to put it first. It feels…wrong. It feels uncomfortable. It feels…messy.
But I know myself well – the mom and the writer.
I know I can’t continue to have these worries and let this guilt spread through my brain and body. It’ll make the demogorgon venture to my guts. It’ll make me sad. It’ll change the love-vibe we as a family work very hard to keep strong.
I go to the cards.
#43 – Deep Knowing – Essential Meanings: intuition, listening to the oracle within, empathy, hypersensitivity
…ask and you will receive answers from unusual sources…
Friends – do you ever feel this way? Stuck between your writing and ‘other’ selves? A mess with worry and guilt over your decisions about how you use your time?
…past the busy mind, your genius awaits…
Busy mind. Messy mind. Worried mind. Oh, genius. I don’t feel like a genius!
…Right now you need self-care and self-love. It’s time to say ‘no thank-you’ to anyone in your life who exhausts you. Won’t that feel good?
I honestly can feel my body repelling these final words of oracle wisdom – say no to my kids?! I’m actually giggly wildly like a mad woman – is it out of fear? Is it out of the thought of the freedom in saying ‘no’?
What is my intuition telling me? It’s telling me the card is right, but it’s also slowly backing up as its saying it…like it can only act as the messenger…and I have to choose to receive the wisdom or not.
Gack. See the mess?
I think I need to just…stay in the mess until I learn how to clean it up.
I know that I cannot do the cleaning alone. I must speak my heart to our circle of love. Be patient. Be kind. But be honest and fearless too.
And also, always also, be grateful. This messy situation is really quite fantastic, isn’t it? I mean, it’s all dream-living…
Thank you for listening.