Prompt from the husband.
“Knowing makes all the difference… It’s the difference between just trying to keep alive, and having something to live for.”
I had something to live for. It was her. It had always been her. The truth of it was simple, smooth. As sure as suns and moons and stars – their brilliant continuity. Loving her made all the difference. Loving her made breathing less painful. I wish I could tell you that loving her took all my pain away, but I can’t. That part is not her fault. She was and will forever be, fault-less.
Pain is a language all its own, and love only knows so many dialects. Though I did my best to translate, to study, to speak with all the love I could find, hold, keep…it wasn’t enough or right. This also wasn’t her fault.
I chose to love her though I’ll tell you over and over it wasn’t a choice at all, but after the initial electric shock, I chose it. I chose love. I chose to love her. I was scared, though what is fear but love’s tender shadow simply desiring its own light?
What would you do if I told you I was love’s shadow? Would you believe me?
What would you do if I told you I was fear…tender, dark…utterly misunderstood…
It is true. I am on trial now. I am on trial for loving love too hard. So hard I did everything I could to tear away from her. So I could step around, look her in her stunning eyes. Tell her I’d been there all along…even in the brightest brights and darkest darks.
It took more time than most can imagine. But I could imagine it. I did. I lived through millennia – and then.
You won’t believe what happened. No one has so far. But it is true, what I am telling you. Despite the sentence that I am facing – it is worth it for facing her.
Thank you to Jane Friedman for sharing this ultimate literature lover’s website: Literature Clock. It gives a quote from a book that includes the exact minute when you click on the site. It’s simple and incredible. I always have it open on my laptop now.