Not sure if it’s the consistently inconsistent weather…or the fact that I’m turning 38 at the end of the month…or the fact that the writing part of my new book of poetry is complete…but I’m feeling unable to quiet my mind. Like, at all.
It’s the worst when I’m doing daily things like driving my car (while listening to music or watching drivers drive terribly, I get story ideas) or doing the dishes (looking out into the dandelion-covered backyard zings my creativity) or trying to fall asleep (this is the worst – quieting my brain is super hard at nighttime, especially when my body is totally in sleep-mode).
I haven’t been able to read anything. I’ve started three novels since January and haven’t been able to focus enough to finish them. I find it calming to look through home decor magazines (I just CAN’T do Pinterest – I fear I’d completely lose myself!) until I think about decorating Gertrude’s Literary Cafe…and then I get both excited and bummed out.
I have ideas for four children’s books. I think about my YA novel Hangman…how I haven’t touched it since the winter. I have a folder full of places to submit my work…but…I haven’t found the time or courage to submit. I’m thinking about my book launch, the tour…planning all of it. Again, I get excited because it’s all so thrilling…and then totally exhausted because it’s so much work to organize. Then I feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed when I should be feeling grateful for all this, well, great-ness!
I want to write a book of essays. A poetry book about living in Windsor, specifically; really get down and dirty in my past. Sigh.
I have to get glasses for reading.
My guts are a bit on the fritz which is a total result of my brain being seemingly unable to find peace.
I want to tattoo the word ‘peace’ on my chest. I find my hand always goes there for comfort. You know, that space above the boobs where the collarbones meet in the centre. There.
The truth is that everything is wonderful. And it…what’s the word…boggles my mind that I get this wild-mind about it all.
I want to write an essay about how we need to slow-the-cuss-down. I can’t blame technology…at least not 100%. I have to take responsibility for succumbing to its break-neck speed. (Do we all?)
I want to teach again.
Maybe it’s the fact that Jett will turn 10. TEN! We share the same birthday. It’s incredible that I have a ten-year-old son. !!!
Some days, I feel my motherhood like Mother Nature must feel a forest fire or hurricane. It burns and tortures at the same time as it forces me to pay attention and change.
It’s all part of my spiritual journey. I know. A large part, in fact, as I’m learning, is figuring out how to love the ideas whenever and however they come, and to trust that they will find their ways out of my soul all in good time, space and energy.
I always tell my kids: you’ve got great brains.
I should tell myself that sometimes, eh?
Thanks for listening. (Reading.)
May the fourth be with you.
VANESSA SHIELDS, writer 