TRUTH #1: I have started writing this blog over and over and over. Today, I commit to writing and finishing it.
TRUTH #2: Since I began my post as Poet Laureate, I have retreated. I have felt fears I haven’t felt since I was a child. I have felt small, humiliated, weak, ugly, and oh, so not good enough.
TRUTH #3: I have been writing in my journal as a way to cope. For many weeks, this was the only kind of writing I could do. When I tried to write a poem, I was utterly silenced by terrible voices in my head stemming from a deep fear of failure. I could not see the poetry around me. I could not hear the words that have constantly flowed like music in my mind offering me inspiration to write. They retreated too, silenced by the voices. I have never in my creative life felt so unable, so powerless, so voiceless.
TRUTH #4: Yes, there were external happenings that triggered this fear. And, for many weeks, I curled into the darkness of the cruelty and hid from opportunities, from confrontation, from the mirrors that these happenings were holding up for me.
TRUTH #5: After many hard cries and very near full-on give-ups…followed by engaging in heart-to-heart conversations with friends and family, and long, mermaid-magical swims in Lake Erie…I realized that all these emotions, fuelled by this dark fear, came from a choice I made when I was very afraid as a young girl. I realized the connections between someone who I was terrified of then, someone who I was terrified of now, and the difference in my ability to choose how to react and respond to the fear these humans unleashed in me. I believe in the kindness and guidance of community. I acknowledge that we each support, promote, believe and express those rights and freedoms that our heart and souls command us to embrace.I believe that we are all equal. Respect between humans is integral to the unconditional exchange of love.
TRUTH #6: I am in the tumult of a soul-level shift in my being. Of my understanding of who I am, why I am, and how I can revise, rebuild and reinvigorate my voice as a writer. I am reclaiming Love as the centre of everything, of everyone, of every choice I make in response to everything that I experience.
TRUTH #7: My time is valuable. My heart has a voice, and what it has to say matters. I love writing and I want to write all.the.time. I love reading and I want to read all.the.time. I am learning how to prioritize without guilt and trust my intuition when making choices about my family life and my creative life. I am learning how to navigate my natural tendencies to make myself wrong, less than and inadequate – to acknowledge and feel these reactions, and to move beyond them. This is a part of my creative process.
TRUTH #8: I have let fear make me feel rage-full. I have let fear make me fly into darkness and hide. Both of these actions have lessons within them. I am swimming inside them gently, coming up for air and learning how to confront with kindness. Confrontation can happen internally and externally. I am learning how to face confrontation with love.
TRUTH #9: My spiritual life is very important to me. I am embracing my voice as a spiritual writer. Each day, I am committed to developing my relationship with nature, prayer, gratefulness and peace. I wear beads. I hold stones. I pull cards. I howl at the moon. I move with the seasons and nature’s authentic changes.
TRUTH #10: I am a writer. Nothing can change this. No one can change this. Systemic measurements, academic comparisons, opinions and judgements will not change the fact that it is part of my life’s purpose to write. I understand that the ultimate joy of this practise, that the magnitude of love that flows through me and between me and you will equal in size and power to the darkness and cruelty that will accompany my life’s work as a writer. This is who I am, who I choose to be, and how I choose to identify and express myself. Each day, with each piece of writing, I have an opportunity to spread love and kindness, to support and sustain relationships in positive ways, and to be the best I can be as I navigate this rich human experience. In the dark or in the light, I am a writer. I will always put love first, and fiercely protect my dignity and integrity with my head held high (even if my eyes are weeping).
Having tried and failed over and over again to write and finally, now, having the courage to share it, I know that these truths will be challenged if I continue to write and share what I write. I want to express my truths so that whatever comes, I know what I believe, and you know what I believe. It will help me remember who I am if I say it out loud. It will help me speak, write, and live in these truths as part of our diverse community of humans. To peace and love.
Beaches and movies and mentors, oh my! This was one of the zooming-est summers to ever fly by! I’m not sure what happened to August, but it felt like it lasted for about three blinks. But oh, our summer has been grand. The Suede team shot a feature film in the early part of the summer. The Shields clan was part of the creative team, including Jett who was a production assistant (and had a small role as an actor!). It was an incredible shoot! Following that, Jett worked on the feature film set for ‘Vampire Zombies from Space‘, (click on their Instagram link for some very cool images!) as a very scary zombie and production assistant. Miller was thriving as a babysitter and travel companion with yours truly. We were grateful to have many days spent on beaches with dear friends and heart-family.
TRYING SOMETHING NEW
Usually, when fall starts poking her golden face over the horizon, I get this sadness gripping my belly. I love the summer and I never want it to end! But, I’ve promised myself to be more in union with the shifting of the seasons, and so instead of dreading the naked trees and cold temperatures, I’m focusing on the miracles of natural change and the growth that continues in the deeps.
There are many exciting events and workshops I’ll be a part of this fall. Fun things happening at Gertrude’s Writing Room and for Poet Laureate. And I’ll be enjoying not shaving my legs or armpits until April 2023. Heee!
I will be more active here…sharing thoughts and musings. I need to share on this platform, in this space to help keep my spirits up.
And so…here we go! Skipping into a new season…navigating emotions…and doing my best to stand strong in my truths.