I spent about 7.5 minutes on Instagram before I wrote this poem. I wish I could be like Austin Kleon who seems to have figured out his place in the etherwebs, and continues to thrive as ‘himself’. I don’t know. I got another major rejection on Friday. This one is taking it’s sweet old time to stop stinging. I’m trying not to be a whirlwind…but it’s hard. Today, it’s hard. Sigh.
I CALL BULLSH*T
it’s not my pelvic floor muscles or my tailbone or my spine
it’s not my age or what I’m eating or my attitude
it’s not where I live or how much money I have
it’s not what book I’m reading or writing
it’s not my pillow, my mattress, my fabric softener
it’s not my husband, my kids or my dogs
it’s not that I drink coffee and eat avocados
it’s not my cholesterol, my glp, my blood sugar, my iron
it’s not that my father and grandparents are dead
It’s not that I keep getting rejections
It’s not allergies or sleep deprivation or trauma
massage, stretching, yoga, walking, swimming – all wrong
I have ONE ISSUE that is causing IT ALL and in 28 days
by doing this ONE THING – EVERYTHING WILL BE FIXED
…scroll, scroll, scroll: look at all the proof
the AI disney princess with the blond hair & dreamy eyes
the Hollywood actress whose ‘life is changed forever’
the wrinkles that ‘disappear’ after acid application
the ‘real mom’ who’s so real now she’s in a bit with
all the other ‘real moms’ & a very famous Hollywood actress
it’s not that I don’t want to believe
it’s not even that i don’t want to pay
it’s not that there’s not bits of specific truth inside the chaos
it’s that now I have to fight the urge to accept the scroll narrative
that there’s only ONE THING to FIX IT ALL
it’s that now I have to fight the urge to scroll
it’s that now I have to take responsibility for scrolling
it’s that now I have to understand that I created this doom
that the choices I make scrolling feed me the empty doom
that in this now, this doom space is where I’m ‘supposed’
to be if I want people to read my poems, to read my book
& there is NO ONE WAY TO FIX THIS creativity conundrum
I’m fixating, I get it, but also, I don’t want to be fixed
VANESSA SHIELDS 