There was the time when I plead guilty
the police officer had ticketed me for a ‘rolling stop’
which I did not do, but he’d said, ‘I’m sorry. Gotta hit my quota’
as he ripped the ticket, passed it through my open window.
he’d said, ‘Go to court and fight it. Use one of the lawyers there.
It’s free.’ so that’s what I had to do because beyond the fine
was a point demerit, which is bad. he’d said, ‘they’ll take off
the demerit charge and you’ll only have to pay the fine.’
only have to pay the fine. $300 I didn’t have.
so I went to the courthouse, terrified, went into an office
sat across from a lawyer who was baffled at my story
he told me, ‘Plead guilty. You’ll only have to pay the fine.’
the courtroom was stuffed with people, raunch air, fear
desperation, babies crying. the judge called my name.
infant daughter strapped to my thundering chest
toddler son gripped in my cold-sweat hand. I was in
a horror film frozen in front of a killer. ‘How do you plead?’
‘Guilty,’ I said. the word an ax splitting me open.
but I didn’t bleed or fall, kept standing, used my voice
held my children, used my legs to walk out
of that parallel universe. only had to pay the fine.
had to decide which groceries not to buy.
VANESSA SHIELDS 